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Sterling

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I’m a minor-attracted person (MAP). As I write this in 2012, I’m in my late 50s. I thought of myself as a normal hetero guy until about the age of 54 or so. I was married for 16 years and am now divorced with a steady girlfriend (roughly my same age) for the past 8 years. I have been passionately attracted to adult women, so I am luckier than many.

However, signs have been there all along. I’ve always preferred women who looked more child-like and retained a playful and child-like personality. Young girls, on the other hand, make my heart soar. Even if they are being difficult and unpleasant, I can patiently accept that and still feel affection.

Up until I was about age 30, children in general and girls in particular were a mystery to me, being the younger of two brothers and having no other children in my life. Then my ex-wife and I had two daughters, and everything changed. I was an involved parent, spending a lot of time with my daughters and their friends. I really ‘got’ children, understood their feelings and respected them, and they in turn liked me. I knew I felt a deep tenderness and affection for them, but my pedophilia was obscured because parents often feel that way towards children. But the signs were there. While I felt a special love for my daughters, I felt a different romantic attraction for their girl friends.

I was quite conventional in all things sexual up until the age of 54 or so. Faced with an empty nest, free time, and mid-life unease, I spent a lot of time figuring out my sexuality. I had a revelation that I was attracted to girls well below puberty, but my protective instincts towards the girls has led me to repress the sexual and romantic nature of my attraction. For example, I recently saw a movie that began with a still photo of a girl. I thought she was sexually attractive, until the still photo became a real girl with personality and issues to face. The sexual attraction vanished and was replaced by compassion for her story.

I used to volunteer with younger children, even as my own girls went into middle school, but have since stopped, because I found the interactions more frustrating than satisfying. This is unfortunate because I know the kids were nurtured by my love and attention.

That is the major downside to my attraction: the isolation. I am lucky to have a therapist I can talk with freely about it, but there is no one else in my life that I can trust in that way. There is a whole side to my life I cannot share with my girlfriend or broader social network. I also feel alienated from a society that hates me for my thoughts. Perhaps someday, I’ll find another MAP in the greater Boston area who could be a real friend and ease my sense of isolation.

Sexuality comes in many forms. While my preferred form can only be practiced privately and alone, I can still appreciate the joy it gives me.

My life has been far more than the romantic and sexual aspects. I already mentioned my daughters. I have also had a successful career in high tech, been involved with a liberal religious congregation, and taken an activist role in politics. Puzzles and games, nature, and dancing are a few hobbies. I read widely and am also an amateur writer.

Matthew

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I am in my late twenties and have been aware since around the age of thirteen that I have an attraction to younger girls.

My first recollection of this involved a girl of ten when I was thirteen. Even though we were fairly close in age I remember knowing that I couldn’t just ask this girl out on a date the same way I could with my junior high peers. So at that point in my young life, I was already making an unconscious distinction between “teenager” and “kid.”

The word pedophile didn’t pop into my head right then and there, but as the years passed by and I reached my late teens but was still noticing ten-year-old girls, I knew then that the word fit. Around that time, I had been writing a story for an English class with a protagonist that clearly had feelings for a young girl.   Not wanting to raise the suspicions of my English teacher, I had the narrator state that he is not a pedophile, but I knew as I was writing it that in real life, I was.

Growing up, my attractions felt like a special little secret. It would always make me happy when I saw pretty little girls, whether they were friends of the family, kids in lower grades, little sisters of friends, or young girls on TV and commercials. I still never had much experience with intimate relations as I grew older and would even keep my feelings for “age-appropriate” girls to myself, because I was a naturally private person. I wasn’t really vocal about anyone I was attracted to, especially the much younger ones. I always knew that I wasn’t the kind of person typically portrayed in the media; however, I sometimes thought I was the only one of my orientation with genuine loving feelings for younger people.

When I was in my early twenties, I had been looking for pictures of a little girl who was in a short film that I had recently watched. There weren’t many online, but she was briefly mentioned on a site dedicated to people attracted to young girls, and so for the first time, I was able to share my interest with others like myself. This was an incredibly happy and exciting time for me, as I first started to realize I was not alone.

At times my fondness for younger people has felt like a hobby. I enjoy reading stories and watching movies about youth –their struggles, triumphs, discoveries, and explorations. I have my favorite little girl celebrities that I try to find photos of, rent all the movies they’ve been in that I can find, or watch television interviews that they’ve done.

I’ve had other interests and passions in my life too. I’m a science fiction fan and have collected comic books for years. Occasionally I’ll write my own stories, and even though I’ve never tried to have anything published, the desire to do so has always been in the back of my mind. I’ve had friendships that have come and gone, and a very caring family that I love very much, including extended relatives of mine that I consider good friends.

I work in a retail store frequented by families, and the girls who come in just brighten my day. Even though I rarely say a word to them, it’s still a delight and treat to see them. Over the years, I’ve watched some little kids grow up into beautiful mature young women, and I know that as time passes, there will always be a part of me that will wonder where they are or how they’re doing, even though they will always remain total strangers.

I do know one girl that I only get to see around once a year, she always enjoys spending time with me when she visits. We play with legos and stuffed animals or collect insects in the backyard. She enjoys my company a lot and gives me a hug every time I first see her. Each year, I worry she will have forgotten about me, but then she’ll walk up to me after having greeted everyone else in my family and give me a second hug, probably not thinking twice about it, just a casual second hug, but it still means  a lot to me.

I can picture her letting people know about how kind and caring I was with her, how respected and safe she felt. I wish perhaps a video like that could exist to help spread the word to people about all those like me with a gentle and caring soul. Even though such a message will likely never be made because my orientation will always remain secret, I take comfort in knowing that I have always been and will continue to be a positive influence in her life and possibly the lives of other young people as I grow older, and that’s what really matters to me.

B4U-ACT Issues Statement for World Suicide Prevention Day

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[heading size=”h3″ extra=””]Advocates of Stigma Contribute to Suicide[/heading]

With the approach of World Suicide Prevention Day this Saturday, it’s time to address a contributing factor to suicide that’s been taboo far too long—especially since a small group of ideologues is fighting to suppress discussion and worsen the problem.

Most of us know that stigmatizing people for something they did not choose is harmful and unjust. Intense stigma can contribute to suicide risk and prevent people from getting help.

Many people face intense stigma about their sexuality. No one chooses who they are emotionally and sexually attracted to. Instead, they discover it, usually in early adolescence. Most of us are aware that gay teens often discover their orientation in middle or high school, and that the stigma they face may increase their suicide risk.

There’s an additional reality that may be hard to accept, but that must be faced if we’re serious about combating suicide. Some adolescents discover they’re preferentially attracted to children or younger adolescents, and this stays with them throughout their lives. Most of us want to believe that only older adults have such feelings, but sexual feelings don’t suddenly appear in adulthood. Experts estimate that in puberty, 1% to 7% of all boys first experience preferential attraction to younger children that will be lifelong. In a recent survey,* adults attracted to children or young adolescents reported they first experienced these feelings at a median age of 13.

It’s crucial to distinguish between feelings and behavior. Research suggests that many, maybe most, people attracted to children or adolescents do not act on these feelings. Certainly most youths who discover they’re attracted to younger children haven’t acted on those feelings.

Stigma puts these teenagers—and the adults they may grow into—at risk for suicide, and makes them afraid to seek help. Almost half the survey respondents had seriously considered suicide—at a median age of 19—and 13% attempted it. A growing number of teens attracted to children are seeking anonymous support at online mental health forums. One 15-year-old recently posted that he felt like killing himself and couldn’t talk to anyone in real life about it.

This is why a Westminster, Maryland organization is working to end the secrecy, fear, and lack of knowledge surrounding the issue. Through workshops and conferences, B4U-ACT facilitates discussion among clinicians, researchers, and law-abiding minor-attracted people. Attendees at its symposium last month in Baltimore called it “eye-opening,” “valuable,” and “impressive.” One clinician praised it on her university’s listserv, and another decided he wanted to serve minor-attracted clients. Psychologists and parents who didn’t attend but have dealt with the issue first-hand wrote to thank B4U-ACT for its work.

But over the past three weeks the symposium has been attacked by a small group of writers opposed to sexuality research and gay rights. One of them is Judith Reisman, who over the past three decades has become well-known for her wild, reckless, and unsubstantiated accusations against the gay movement and the entire field of sexuality research. Her like-minded colleague Matthew Barber recently drew public criticism for blaming suicide among gay youth on the youth themselves. Both are now using distortions and fabrications to mischaracterize the purpose of B4U-ACT and its symposium. They hide the fact that most symposium attendees advocated compassion for minor-attracted people while rejecting adult-minor sexual interaction. Reisman and Barber’s misinformation is being propagated uncritically by writers and bloggers sympathetic to their ideology.

These writers violate basic humanitarian principles. They attempt to suppress information and impede rational discussion by diverting attention from the problem and inflaming fear. They encourage hating both the sin and the sinner. Worst of all, they advocate condemning, stigmatizing, and removing from society a segment of the population—including young teenagers—for feelings (not behavior) they did not choose. Their approach would drive people further into hiding, putting both them and children at risk.

Unfortunately, a popular mainstream commentator has endorsed a similar response. While acknowledging some merits of B4U-ACT’s work, in a recent article Keith Ablow repeated misinformation about B4U-ACT’s goals, explicitly rejected attempts at understanding, and advocated stigmatization. But stigmatizing people’s feelings doesn’t make them go away, and driving them “out of mainstream consciousness into the shadows,“ as Ablow advocates, only results in widespread ignorance and endangers children and youth.

We must resist fear-mongering calls to silence discussion and increase stigmatization. To combat suicide effectively, the best policy is clear: create an atmosphere where it is safe for those at risk—and those who care about them—to talk honestly about it.